Brexit Tunnel & Climate Change Bumper Double Issue – 47

TUNNEL OF GOVE !?

“anyone got a light?”

After feverish speculation, the Chumper can exclusively reveal that Great Barrow is about to play a crucial role in the Brexit saga by providing the essential “Tunnel” for the delicate tricky final negotiations.

The decision to bring this momentous event in the nation’s history to the previously largely unknown Cheshire village has been met with wild celebrations as villagers weigh up the financial implications.

A regular in the newly renamed “Sunlit Uplands Inn” (formerly the White Horse) commented:

“It’s a dream really. For years we’ve known that tunnel construction is something we do well and now that expertise is going to be recognised on an international stage. I can’t wait to see Boris Johnson, Michael Gove and Dominic Cummings striding into an airtight, leak-free Barrow Tunnel to await the arrival of their counterparts from across the continent”

Celebrating villagers

The construction of the tunnel will be overseen by a stellar Task Force of experts chaired by “Chief” Armstrong and bringing together all branches of the armed forces. Pallet assembly has been delegated to an RAF team under the leadership of Sir William D’Arathoon, DFC and Bar, who is borrowing a Chinook specially for the job. Meanwhile Naval forces will be co-ordinated by Rear Admiral Dobbs with the assistance of Able Seamen Greenwood and Smith. Their role is to ferry Angela Merkel, President Macron and other leaders up the Gowy on HMS Barrowmore, a recently commissioned eco vessel built locally in Fred the Shed’s lead lined garage. Security matters are being handled by Jack from Iraq round the Back, with intelligence supplied from an MI6 bunker on Mill Lane.

The security operation kicks in

The arrival of the EU Brexit Tunnel with the media circus surrounding it is a bonanza for the village and the Parish Council has been quick to seize advantage, with a major retail and parking infrastructure project, Phase 1 of which has been completed well ahead of schedule. A Parish Council spokesperson said:

“We’ve taken back control. We can now reveal that the Sir Roy Piper Highway and temporary fully enclosed and insulated secure Media Centre on the Playing Field were all part of the deal. We had to get the Media Centre built in time for an inspection by senior government officials en route back from the Prime Minister’s  summit last week with Leo Varadkar on the Wirral. It was a close run thing, but we made it. As a result, millions will be invested on the back of a series of global trade deals we can’t talk about; but suffice to say this is just the beginning”.

Speculation is mounting that the hasty demolition and replacement of Great Barrow’s listed 1980s pavilion with the sleek grey metallic Media Centre is merely the first in a series of developments that will see Barrow’s economy grow tenfold over the next few years. Other major projects prepared for submission to Planning in Phase 2 include:

• The Bluebell Logistics Park at Barrowmore
• The Nursery Field Leisure Dome
• The Hollowmore Air and Space Museum
• The President Heardchumper Retirement Village

Phase 2 development site

These are heady days for Great Barrow, with entrepreneurial villagers leaping onto the Tunnel bandwagon. Manor House resident Pat “Riverdance” Walsh already has plans for an International Irish Dancing Academy along with “The Backstop”, a Deep South themed barbecue franchise. “I’ve made a significant investment in upgraded catering facilities” Walsh told us. “I’ve bought a jet hose”

Even as far afield as Little Barrow the Tunnel’s feelgood ripple effect is having an impact, with chumping stalwart Sapper Alex Waring winning the lucrative contract to ferry VIPs in his vintage VW Camper Van between the Tunnel and their accommodation in the Sunlit Uplands after long days of negotiations. “It’s brilliant – they can move seamlessly from the conference table to the Camper and for a small additional fee they can even enjoy the benefit of my bespoke LED light Show. I had that Katya Adler in the back last week – she couldn’t get enough of it”

VIP transport vehicle

Despite all the positive news there have been some voices of dissent. One major bone of contention is the environmental impact that the Tunnel and its associated developments might have, but the Parish Council moved swiftly to counter these objections in an audacious PR coup, by inviting Greta Thunberg to officially open the Media Centre which will be converted immediately after the Brexit summit into a Village Shop with car parking and public convenience block.

The visit earlier in the week was not an outstanding success. Greta was met, as arranged, at the mouth of the Gowy by Able Seamen Greenwood and Smith who sailed her under cover of darkness past Stanlow and the Ellesmere Port sewage outlet and up the river where she was met by a village delegation for a tour of Ferma Wood. Unfortunately, this coincided with the recent “Maintenance Day” and “Tidy Up”.

Leading Cyclist and Allotment Supremo Kerry Walker had specifically requested those attending to bring equipment that might be “helpful on the day”. Walker takes up the story:

“It was a great shame really. A misunderstanding. What should have been a lovely village occasion, with everyone helping out, clearing a few brambles and pruning, erupted when we heard the unmistakable sound of a chainsaw from the corner of the wood Greta had just been dropped off at by the sailors. I’m not pointing any fingers but it was I the area allocated to Brigadier Weaver. Some members of the working party shouted to stop him, but it was too late, within minutes a whole swath of the wood was decimated. That was when I saw Greta”

Greta’s chauffeur and friend

After treatment for shock Ms Thunberg was swiftly conveyed away from the site on the back of a tractor trailer and driven at speed to the Playing Field but at this point it became clear that she was not prepared to conduct the official opening ceremony despite attempts to encourage her with a tray of assorted Penguin biscuits generously provided by Pam Hunt. She did however make a short speech captured by the Chumper’s correspondent:

“My name is Greta Thunberg. I am 16 years old. I come from Sweden. And I speak on behalf of future generations.” (applause)

I was fortunate to be born in a time and place where everyone told us to dream big; I could become whatever I wanted to. I could live wherever I wanted to. (applause) People like me had everything we needed and more. Things our grandparents could not even dream of. We had everything we could ever wish for and yet now we may have nothing. Now we probably don’t even have a future any more.

“This is all wrong. I shouldn’t be up here. I should be back in school on the other side of the sea. Yet you called me and asked if I would come. I did research on the internet and discovered that there was a village in this part of England that was entirely carbon neutral and your call made me think that it was this place, this village.

(random shout from audience – “I think she means Ashton!”)

How dare you!

You have stolen my dreams and my childhood with your empty words. This is not a carbon neutral place. This is a place where living trees are butchered for Christmas and grass is covered in concrete and ancient hedges are ripped out and old men burn mattresses with petroleum on giant fires and beautiful wooden buildings are knocked down and replaced with chicken sheds.

How dare you pretend that this can be solved with just ‘business as usual’ and some technical parking solutions with improved sight lines? We will not let you get away with this. Right here, right now is where we draw the line. The world is waking up. And change is coming, whether you like it or not. I have to go now”

Pavilion Opening – Greta’s Motorcade

At this point Greta left saying she was going to attempt to catch an electric bus back to Chester. A Parish Council spokesperson responded:

“Thank you Greta for that lovely speech. Please take a Penguin for your journey home. It was very good of you to sail all this way to Barrow to open our new Pavilion and Shop – I’m sorry you got us confused with our neighbours in Ashton.  It’s a shame you can’t stay or you could have enjoyed the fireworks. We’re making a special effort this year and will be reducing our carbon footprint by not having a community bonfire and installing solar power urinals alongside the Local Produce section of the Shop. In the meantime I have been informed by our Intelligence contacts that Mr Johnson and Mr Gove will be here any minute so we just need one last push to get the Tunnel built for them. Well done everyone, no questions please. Carry on digging – and if any of you white van drivers pass Greta on the road, be sure to give her a lift”. And so, the truth behind the Barrow Playing Field development was revealed. Deal, No Deal or Bad Deal we all wait now for what emerges from the Tunnel.

From your Tunnel Correspondent