Virtual chumping exclusive – Issue 48
IT’S THE FUTURE!
Villagers acclaim field revamp!
The Chumper can exclusively reveal the property deal set to catapult Great Barrow into the 21st century, turbocharging the village economy
Over recent weeks feverish speculation has gripped the village of Great Barrow as the gleaming new Community Toilet Block (& Shop) landed with a metallic thud to replace the condemned, woodlice infested and frankly lethal Sports Pavilion built in the early 1980s.
But this is just the beginning of a development set to transform the village and secure its position as the “Singapore of the North West”. The exciting new plans were sniffed out by Chumper cub reporter and Astronomer Royal David “Scoop” Tillotson (retd), in the attractive Portaloo that currently adorns the village playing field. Tillotson takes up the story:
“It was late one Friday after a convivial evening in the White Horse. On the spur of the moment I decided I’d take a closer look at the Portaloo structure as a possible replacement for my leaking garden observatory. I’d just got inside when I flushed out the plans. I couldn’t believe it at first but if genuine they are very exciting indeed.”
The plans reveal that Barrow has been earmarked for massive redevelopment which will make it the heart of a new town complex that will dwarf neighbouring villages and bring a huge boost to local businesses.
Phase 1 establishes the retail hub and parking zones for “Milton Barrow”, as the redeveloped town will be called. Phase 2 is a Leisure Zone built around “Chumperland”, an exciting tourism destination which uses virtual reality to bring the ancient practices of chumping to families in a safe, controlled environment.
With a £49.99 Family Day Pass visitors will be able to don Virtual Reality headsets and experience the full “Broomhill Shower” experience of travelling at speed downhill in a manure-sodden trailer behind a tractor driven by a 17-year old farm labourer who enjoys stock car racing.
They will then find themselves transported to a virtual field where they can dodge rotten pieces of discarded window frames, fence posts and double divan mattresses as they are tossed around by a giant mechanical grabber.
A fully tipping simulator filled with garden debris and salvaged MDF furniture will enable kids of all ages to relive the excitement of bouncing up and down on the Barrowmore trailer without the benefit of a safety harness.
The final stage of the experience will give young arsonists the chance to accompany holograms of Chief John Armstrong and the Legendary Sir Roy Piper as they venture inside the bonfire, armed with sealed sachets of accelerant and a box of matches.
“It’s reet gradely that chumping can be brought to t’new generation like this” commented retired chumping supremo President Nigel Heardtrumper (retd) “Ah thowt it wor all ower forrus and I wor hangin’ oop me Komodo gloves but this Virtual Chumping stuff is the future. We’re planning to sing t’carols round a virtual tree at t’pump an’all – think of the savings in electricity and rope, all you needs an App an’ one o’them fancy i-Phones“
The revamped “Milton Barrow Village Shop” will specialise in selling souvenirs such as the Barrowmore Andy Cap and Pipe set – a snip at £29.99 and the complete Briscoes Dairy Leisurewear Range. A collection of genuine Barrow stuffed animals will also be available for younger children to enjoy thanks to a generous donation from Brigadier Weaver’s private collection retrieved from neighbouring gardens on the Florida Fringes.
The message is clear – who needs a bonfire? Barrow’s future has never burned brighter.
From our virtual chumping correspondent
Editor’s correction: Barrow Fireworks photo supplied courtesy of Chumper Stephen Ellis Bell. www.photoSEB.co.uk. All enquiries to Stephenellisbell@gmail.com