Demilitarized Zone Summit EXCLUSIVE      – Issue 45


Village hosts top secret pre-summit rehearsal

Historic handshake in undisclosed neutral location

It’s not every day that two of the world’s nuclear powers choose Barrow as a meeting venue but the Chumper’s senior reporter can exclusively reveal that that’s exactly what happened on Friday. Anxious to ensure that both the chemistry and choreography of the historic handshake in the Korean Demilitarized Zone would go off without a hitch, a suitable neutral venue was sourced for a pre-handshake get together.

Pre-handshake card game

A Parish Council spokesperson takes up the story “We were first approached a month or so ago. CIA and North Korean intelligence services had conducted high level meetings, together with on-the- ground surveillance to find a place where the two leaders and their negotiating teams would be comfortable. Obviously, Security was paramount, so it was on COBRA’s recommendation that the search narrowed down to Great Barrow. To avoid the possibility of protests, one of the requirements was that there could be no venues suitable for public gatherings of more than 20 people within 200m of the proposed summit venue on Village Rd. This happily coincided with us obtaining planning permission for the demolition of the pavilion so a drone missile was employed to surgically remove the building with minimal collateral damage. Stanlow Mike’s support was invaluable on this as he was able to provide the US military command with detailed ballistics plans of the playing field in return for a stockpiled SAM missile that should create a unique finale to the 2019 bonfire display”

Air support was also a crucial element in the carefully planned operation, with Air Marshall Sir William “Spud” d’Arathoon DFC & Bar restored to military duties specially for the evening. “I’d just got back to Liverpool from Estonia with a flight-load of stag and hen parties when I was approached by a man in dark glasses wearing an earpiece. He grabbed my arm and guided me rapidly through baggage handling. As we passed the 15 blokes in neon ballerina suits and 25 women sporting some frankly disturbing inflatable unicorns he told me I had been selected to transport two world leaders overnight from Great Barrow to the Korean Demilitarised Zone.”

The D’Arathoons go under cover

As if this wasn’t enough shocking news, D’Arathoon would have to fulfil the mission completely anonymously. For this purpose his wife and co-pilot, Air Commodore Nikki D’Arathoon had spent several evenings between shifts on the Deli counter at Waitrose meticulously preparing the perfect disguise. She takes up the story: “It was an honour to be able to serve the cause of world peace in this way, so when the CIA asked if I could assist, I got the needle and thread out straight away and rustled up the outfits. Who would have thought Mr & Mrs Potato Head could play such a key role in this breakthrough in international relations?”

While the Koreans stayed well away from prying eyes in an underground bunker at Barrowmore, the Trump party took over the White Horse Inn for the night.

“It was quite a shock seeing the Presidential motorcade pull in” said Landlady, Paula “and to be honest they arrived well after last orders so I just had to put a £23.99 tray of chips together for them they could take up to the room, but they were lovely people. The First Lady said it felt just like being at home in Mar Del Lago.”

The historic handshake itself took place in a secret location close to President Sir Nigel Heardwenger’s extensive estate and he kept a close eye on proceedings throughout. “They had a game of cards first, which seemed to go quite well, then it was a quick handshake and before I knew it they were off with the Potato Heads in the Chinook”. Brigadier “Tufty” Weaver was visibly moved having been asked to provide sentry duties by Chief Armstrong who was co-ordinating local security with his CIA counterparts. “It was a pleasure to get the old camouflage fatigues on and have two such distinguished leaders in my sights. It certainly made a change from squirrels”

President Trump later tweeted a personal message of thanks to the community:

“From the DMZ on behalf of my very good friend Kim Jong Un and myself I thank the people of Great Barrow in Chestershire for their hospitality!! We wish you well with the reconstruction of your Pavilion and the transformation of your future ECONOMY!!! Give me the #NOBELPEACEPRIZE now!!! #MakeBarrowGreatAgain”

An astonishing 48 hours had reached a dramatic conclusion.

Two Great Leaders enjoy a relaxed moment together

From your Potato Head Aviation Correspondent

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