Ex-Pavilion Special    – Issue 44

CRIME OF THE CENTURY!!

Barrow REELS from pavilion theft shock

Pavilion horror unfolds

Barrow residents are reeling from the alleged theft of the village’s Grade 1 listed pavilion.

The pavilion, described as a “modernist masterpiece” by architectural historians has been a familiar landmark standing sentinel alongside the bowling green at the heart of the Cheshire Village for decades, and its sudden removal has been greeted with dismay and condemnation. A spokesperson for the local History Society commented:

“This is an unprecedented act of vandalism and whoever is responsible must be called to account.  With its neo-colonial veranda and distinctive fin de siècle toilet facility The Barrow Pavilion was globally recognised as a building of unique architectural merit”

Our roving investigative reporter interviewed a resident bowling club member who wished to remain anonymous:

“It was a hell of a shock when it came down. I was just weighing up a tricky end and whether to go with Finger or Thumb when there was an almighty crash. I thought a meteorite had struck or summat. I were that panicked I chucked me wood in the ditch and got penalised for lifting off the mat. Never known ‘owt like it. “

“I thought a meteorite had struck”

A number of conspiracy theories about the removal of the pavilion circulated in the village immediately after the incident, but these were swiftly dismissed in a statement by Mill Lane resident and COBRA chairman “Chief” John Armstrong. Addressing media from a temporary Emergency Operations Centre on the Playing Field he commented:

I can categorically deny that the disappearance of the Pavilion

has anything to do with the requirement at Duddon Primary School for an additional classroom unit to accommodate an unusual recent increase in student numbers.

Nor is it a meteorite strike.”

However, he remained tightlipped when quizzed about redevelopment plans on the recently renamed Bet 365 Car Park & Playing Field. These are rumoured to include a small Post Office, Nandos Restaurant, 24 hour Aldi Express retail outlet Casino and Naturist resort.

Rubble and suspected Tardis

Do you know these men?

Meanwhile the worrying Crime Wave continues as CCTV footage emerged overnight of a cat burglar breaking into a Swiss Chalet style residence on Village Rd with the aid of an armed accomplice and a stolen ladder.

These are disturbing times for the village. One theory yet to be debunked is that the Pavilion has been abducted, together with a number of Barrowmore residents and the Brass Section of the Jan Modelski Orchestra and that these are now orbiting in the outer fringes of the Andromeda Galaxy. This theory, put forward by Astronomer Royal Tillotson and based on meticulous observations over the period since the pavilion’s unexpected disappearance has gathered currency with the arrival of a Tardis-like structure on the site once occupied by the Pavilion. Strange times indeed.

From your Playing Field Correspondent

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